My Testimony

Maybe it’s because I just learned that David Ring will be speaking at our church on Sunday, July 12 (ya’ll should come), or maybe it’s the Esther Bible study I am in right now, but for some reason I feel that I am suppose to share my testimony. I have never really shared my testimony and I am sure some of this will even be a surprise to my husband. I am not very good at being open and transparent, so I hope that by writing this blog, I will begin to feel more adequate at sharing what the Lord has done for me. So this is going to be a little long, thanks for indulging me.

My Testimony
I grew up in church, but to some extent, I think I grew physically more than spiritually. I remember sitting in the pew thinking, “What is this guy talking about? I just don’t get it!” I wanted to even felt that I needed to get it. I just didn’t understand how God “talked” to you or how you talked to God.
Like most people during my college years I fell away from even going to church. Then I met my future husband. I envied him because he seemed so sure, not filled with doubts as I was. He knew Scripture, and he seemed to have an assurance that I didn’t. He didn’t live with worry or second guess himself constantly like I did.
In the early part of our marriage we struggled to find a church home. Should we go to the Methodist church as I grew up in or the Baptist church as he was raised in? I struggled with the whole concept of having to be baptized by emersion to join the Baptist church. I felt like the church was saying what you did at 13 wasn’t real and doesn’t count because you were just sprinkled. I didn’t really understand that although I was sprinkled and made a profession of faith in the Methodist church, I wasn’t fully committed to the Lord or in a true relationship with Him.
Then we decided to go the church where Jeff grew up. The pastor there was so helpful in explaining the meaning behind being baptized by emersion without making me feel that I was turning my back on the decision I made at 13.
We continued visiting but didn’t join right away. I continued to struggle with doubts and second guessing myself. We were struggling with infertility and had been for several years. I remember lying in bed one night praying and crying out to God. I was so hurt that we couldn’t have a child. I wondered what I did wrong and why God was punishing me. I remember saying, “God, I feel like there’s a war going on inside me and the devil is going to win. Please don’t let him win.”
A few weeks later our church told us that David Ring was coming to speak at MTSU. Jeff and I attended with some of our friends. I was so touched by his message. I thought, “Wow, if he could come through all that he has and not be bitter, what am I so upset about? He doesn’t feel like God’s punishing him, so why should I?” When he gave the invitation, I felt the flood gates open. I knew right then and there that I wanted the assurance he and Jeff had. I was sobbing like a baby when I raised my hand to confirm that I had asked Jesus to be real in my life. At that moment I was sure. I finally got it! I knew what it means to be a child of the King!

A Little Bummed

So our court date is coming up next week and still no contact with the guardian ad-litem. I decided that I would e-mail him today and see if his discussion with our lawyer was sufficient or if we should expect contact soon. Well, you know what came back immediately? An automatic reply e-mail that said he was out of the office from May 8-May 19. To borrow a phrase from my niece, "Are you serious?" I need exclamation marks after that. I mean come on that's the day before our court date. I really didn't want to hear that he's out enjoying himself when I've been stressing about him contacting us for a month. But then God said, "Slow down, I've got this." My devotional this morning was about trusting in God and not our own means, and not ten minutes later, I am worrying about my own means again. Maybe God should be asking me, "Are you serious?"

Waiting

As you know we've been waiting 11 years for a resolution to our most pressing problem. At times I can hardly believe how the time has just flown by, but when I verbally say, "Eleven years." it sounds like a really long time to wait.

Today my devotion gave me a chance to ponder if I've really had to wait that long. In comparison to the time from the first promise God made to Abraham to the time of God's fulfillment was around 600 years. Now, that's a long time. The writer of this devotion was trying to explain why God chose to have those details in the Bible that seem mundane. Like which tribe got which part of land as described in Joshua. He said that God placed those passages in the Bible to remind the Israelites and us of the evidence that God does what He says He will.

God places what seems like trival, insignificant information in the Bible to remind us that He has every detail under control, He knows every detail before it happens, and He knows when every promise will be fulfilled.

So is eleven years really that long? If I look at it in light of God's promise, I think not.

Praise In the Storm

If you've heard the song "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns, then you understand why I relate to the opening lyrics.

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm. . .

Chorus I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.
Praise You in This Stormwords by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herm

There are many days when I feel like it's still raining when I say, "Amen." Many times over the last several years, where I thought surely this is the time God is going to rush in and "save the day," only to find yet, again, it's still raining.

Everytime I listen to this song, I think, that's me. It is comforting to know that God holds every tear I've cried and still has never left my side. Many times, I find it hard to praise God through the storm, but I always think about where my help comes from.

So, as we head to Georgia tomorrow night to meet with the lawyers on Thursday, my prayer is that this time when I say, "Amen," it won't still be raining, but if it is, I will still praise God for who He is.

Sleepless Nights

For the last few nights I've had trouble sleeping. I lay in the bed and toss and turn. I can't seem to shut my mind down. So I've been really praying and calling out to God about Hannah's adoption. I've confessed to Him my frustration at not knowing what to do and not hearing a clear answer. I've asked for Him to just speak to me the way to go and make it so clear that I can't possibly mistake the direction. I've even confessed that I want His will to be done as long as it aligns with my will. But still no answer. Last night I was even beginning to wonder if He was listening to me anymore. But He is faithful and when I opened my devotion this morning He reminded me He is listening. Here's how it started:

God, I've been praying about the same issue for a long time, but nothing seems to be happening. I honestly don't know what to do about it, and sometimes I feel like giving up. Do my prayers make a difference? Are you listening when I pray?

How awesome that the very next morning after my many sleepless nights, God would have this devotion prepared!

Rejoice in hope; be patient in affliction; be persistent in prayer. (Romans 12:12) Thank you, God, for my answer.

Crazy Day

It's been a crazy day. I had a doctor's appointment at 7:30 so I was going to be late for work anyway. By the time I finished that and had just gotten to the parking lot at work, Hannah called and said she was sick. So I had to go in get permission to work from home and turn around and leave. About 2 hours later the school calls and says James is complaining of a stomach ache, so I had to go pick him up. Jeff is at Freshman Orientation tonight, so I am at home with two sick kids and time to update my blog.

I have been in a Bible Study at work called Chasing the Lion. It's all about taking risks and making the most of opportunities. If you know me well, you know risk taking is not my thing. Apparently, God knows this, too. So I am being challenged on several fronts.

The first Lion I am chasing is getting something accomplished with Hannah's adoption here. I have no clue how we will finance this, who will be willing to take the case, or if Mexico will push back, but I am making small steps. Mind you I am not sprinting after the lion, or joggin, or even in a mad dash towards the lion. You may have noticed the word small steps as in baby steps. My first chase is coming up this Friday. We are consulting with a lawyer who is very experienced in adoption.

My second lion is my financial situation. This is a lion of our own doing, but it's time to tame him. So, I am trying to muster the courage to let go of our credit cards. We only have two, but I have been using them as a security blanket. When the end of the month is far away from the end of the money (at least in my mind), I find comfort in saying, "Well, if it's absolutely necessary, I can use the credit card." God has been working on me to trust Him more and lose the cards. I still haven't gotten rid of them totally, but I have taken them out of my wallet and left them in a place that is not so easily accessible.

The third lion is my weight and health. I am going up against this one kicking and screaming. At my current size, I would make a very lovely meal for some starving lion and his pride : ) I want to do it the easy way, but my doctor said today that I needed to do it the hard way. Yuck! So no progress on this, yet. I visited a blog today where the host posted everything they ate each day (real exciting reading material), but I don't think I will do that. I can't even post on here every week :)

So what are your lions? What steps do you need to take start chasing them?

God Is Good

In May we were told that Hannah needed braces to the tune of almost 4,000. We don't have the finances now to pay for this so we've put it off. Yesterday, I had to go to the dentist and I mentioned that I would like to change my kids to their office. Well, amazingly they had an opening for today. As the dentist was checking Hannah, I mentioned that I knew she needed braces and that we had visited the orthodonist next door. I told him that due to finances we had to put it off and hoped to start next year. He said, I may have something to help you out. He left the room and came back with a certificate for $1500 towards orthodinics with the same orthodonist we visited. I was floored nothing like this ever happens to us. I was so amazed that God knew our need 6 months ago and provided help now in His timing.

One Day At a Time. . .

Yes, I know that rings of an old familiar hymn. God is stressing this point with me this week. Our lesson in Sunday School was about worrying and being anixous. God reminded me of Matthew 6:34, Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. If you know me well, you know I am a born worrier. I come by it honestly (thanks mom, you know I love you). So the conversation in my head usually goes something like this: How are we going to get Hannah's adoption done before she's sixteen? The car needs an oil change, the tires on the van need replacing, oh, is the roof leaking? How can we earn extra income to pay down on debt, is the bathroom clean? Who's picking up the kids, getting Hannah to gymnastics, food on the table, and homework done? And on and on it goes.

Then God reminded me on Sunday that the birds do not worry about where there next meal will come from. They take it one day at a time. On my ride into work this morning, I just flipped over to a station I don't normally listen to. The guest speaker was talking about how to get through when you're overwhelmed by living one day at a time. Hmm, I sense a theme. I began thinking what can I commit to doing with the one day at a time in mind. Here where some of my thoughts: I can do anything if it's just for one day, right. Like I can watch what I eat for one day, I can watch what I spend for one day, I can let the bathroom be dirty for one day, I can stop looking six years ahead and enjoy Hannah for one more day.

But God didn't stop there. When I got to work I opened by devotion and read. The story was about a woman who has suffered with an illness for 20 years. The last line . . . but over the years she's learned that when she takes it just one day at a time and trusts the Lord for that day alone, her good days outnumber her bad.

Enough said.

At the End of the Day

As I was praying this morning I was thanking God that at the end of the day, I get to hug and kiss and tell my kids I love them as I tuck them in the bed. No matter what the day was like, I still love them and want them to sleep soundly knowing that. God reminded me that's how He feels about me. No matter what I do or how much I mess up, at the end of the day He still loves me. Okay, I know that's basic, but it made me think about how people who don't know that must feel. So tonight when I tuck my kids in bed, I will not only give them a hug, a kiss, and tell them that I love them, I am going to remind them that God loves them even more.